無意中發現原來K一直都有寫blog, 從2007年開始,斷斷續續的,寫了大概有不下20篇文章- 有關於旅行的趣事,生活的點滴以至最多還是對於感情的感慨. 我用了差不多3小時反覆細讀,希望從字裡行間找到我在K心中留下的痕跡. 但看罷後發現心裡除了不踏實以外,還多了想重新認識這人的渇望. Perhaps, I have never understood K, his past which I dared not to mention in the past has haunted him over these years, have i had the power to speak to him about it maybe I could have alleviated his pain. I have underestimated the sensibility of this dear man hopelessly and naively.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
i used to say i don't want to be tied up by anything, whether it is money, relationships or even family. this is why i have worked so hard so I would never be in a vulnerable position. but i have been disillusioned to go after the status quo and financial security, which ends up tying me down to a bigger weight. I thought all I have been doing was to push my limits for the unknown "happiness". But no, "happiness" has never been near. It is merely an unrealistic idea that I have fantasized for myself.
i am tired. very tired. But stay steady, i will find solace soon before my curiosity for life completely dwindles, before the fire in my belly dies.
"We are not immune." That's what our CEO told the reporters.
And it officially started yesterday. 2 people who started with me in the same group were laid-off today and couple other more senior people were given the ax as well. Some walked out with cardboard boxes, accompanied by the HR person while others including me, sitting in our seats very uneasily and thinking that we might very well be the next one.
I am still in disbelief right now and has simulated in my head the moment if i were to asked to leave. I would pack quietly and would not make any eye contact with anyone. I would not want anyone throwing their pathetic glances at me and tell me how sorry they are. Nor would I be escorted to the door. I'd walk out with my heads up.
No, it wouldn't be the end of the world but the feeling of denial and refusal would hurt most. I should be tougher than that, hopefully, when that time comes.
Today has been an extremely emotional day for the people on the street, with Lehman now gone, and Merill being bought out by BOA. I was outside of Lehman's headquarter on the way back home from work, and I saw about 10 vans from the media outside of the still very glamorous building of Lehman Brothers in Times Square. My heart sank and I felt a chill in my heart. I guess i am incredibly lucky to work for BlackRock, which by the way Merill has a majority stake in and more importantly, is perhaps the only financial firm that is doing well in this turmoil. But who knows, anything can happen. We may be very well positioned for this market today, but the next day we may be driven out by other unforeseeable factors.
Even though I feel incredibly blessed, I am honestly a little bit lost about my career now. I definitely can't say my life passion is in finance but there are thousands of people knocking at BlackRock's door now... how dare do I even think about pursuing another career? It would be incredibly unwise on my part to leave the company any soon but don't get me wrong, my job is alright, it can be better but at least I am learning something new everyday and am helping people in different ways. What I hate is just how people's perceptions swings the way i think. I have always thought in the ideal scenario, I can just follow my heart but i guess that's just unrealistic.
Yeah, of course I will hang in here but I guess i need to try a little bit harder to shine. I don't wanna be just mediocre.
P.S. all the best to the lehman employees out there. you guys are one of the best and i have no doubt that all of you would be fine.
Friday, 22 August 2008
these days i feel incredibly powerless.
6 weeks in nyc i feel like i have already drained out everything that i could offer.
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